Apathetic Robbery

Cast-
Scott- Apathetic Thief
Dave- Apathetic Victim
Kevin- Apathetic Cop

[Dave sits watching TV. He's flipping through channels and ends up stopping on a music station. The Talking Heads or Talking Heads-esque music plays for much of the skit.]
[Scott enters through window. He's carrying a garbage bag.]

[All dialogue said with no feeling. Mostly whining.]

Scott: Okay homeowner, you're being robbed.

Dave: Oh, great.

Scott: Where's all your valuables?

Dave: Everything's over there on the shelves.

[Scott looks over at shelves filled with knickknacks.]

Scott: It's so far.

Dave: Oh, I'm sorry.

Scott: All right. [Starts swiping the knickknacks into the back.]

Dave: [getting up] Well, I suppose having wholeheartedly swallowed the male myths of our culture, I'll be forced to protect my belongings.

Scott: Don't try to stop me!

Dave: Yeah, right. Please don't take them, they're all I have in the world.

Scott: Well [drops bad down] now you've done it. I'll be forced to respond with violence. . .cuz that's all I know. [Scott starts to slap Dave, but it's more of tapping.] Take that Ivy-League Boy.

Dave: Ow. Ow. Stop. Ow. Ow-ow. Stop. Oh stop. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

[Scott stops.]

Scott: Ohh.

Dave: I think I should warn you. . .that I took a course in self defense and I have I move you cannot possibly get past.

Scott: Make it fast.

[Dave gets ready by shaking his hands out. Then he raise one hand and extends it out to the front, palm up. Scott looks at it and walks forward. The hand bends a bit but has stopped him. Dave starts picking lint off his sweater with his other hand. Scott tries again, fails again. Scott thinks for a second.]

Scott: Hatcha! [He does a slight karate chop...well, he pushes the arm from the side...moving it out of the way.]

Dave: Oh great.

Scott: Street smarts wins again. Let the pummeling continue.

[Starts "slapping" again.]

Dave: Ow. Oh, would you stop? Ow. Stop. I'm asking you to stop. Just stop. [Gives a "slap" to Scott.]

Scott: [stops and points to his "injured" shoulder.] Ow.

[Dave is making his way to the window.]

Scott: Oh, don't call for help.

Dave: Oh, well you leave me precious little alternative.

Scott: Oh...

Dave: Help. Police. Bein' robbed.

Kevin: Coming.

Scott: Well, now you've driven me into a homicidal frenzy.

Dave: Like I care.

[Scott now slap-taps Dave's head.]

Dave: Ow. Wouldja just stop it?

[Kevin enters silently through the door, walks across the room (past Dave and Scott),sits down, and points his gun at them. Meanwhile Dave is now slap-tapping Scott.]

Scott: Oh, why don't you?

Dave: Oh, well I asked you.

Kevin: `Scuse me.

Scott: What? Are you going to debate, because you went to college?

Dave: This has nothing to do with my education.

Scott: Oh, exactly, just because I was educated on the street. . .

Kevin: [loud enough to be heard over Scott and Dave, but not a yell] Freeze! Police.

[Scott and Dave stop. Scott turns around...he is in front of Dave.]

Scott: I've got a hostage, copper.

[Dave has his head on Scott's shoulder, falling asleep.]

Kevin: Then perhaps you'd better get on the other side of him, sir.

Scott: Oh.

[Scott moves behind Dave; Dave about falls onto the floor but wakes up in time.]

Kevin: Don't force me to shoot. I'm a crack shot. I can take your eye out.

Scott: Do your best. [just about hugging Dave.]

Kevin: Not from here, of course. [Sighs. Gets up. Walks right up to the two. Inches away, he shoves the gun into Scott's cheek.] That's better!

Scott: [knocks gun out of Kevin's hand] Hotcha!

[The gun is near the chair Kevin was sitting in.]

Kevin: Great, he got my gun.

All: Scramble.

[Kevin is in front. Scott pulls him by the shirt away.]

Kevin: Sir, not the police shirt, sir. Please.

[Kevin gets in front and is pulled away again.]

Kevin: Oh, so close yet so far.

[Scott picks up the gun.]

Kevin: Sir, yoo-hoo I'm here sir. Here sir, yoo-hoo. I grow bored of this, let's fight mano a mano.

Scott: Fists to cuffs?

Kevin: Uh-huh.

[Both get in exaggerated boxing stances. Scott takes one huge swing, Kevin ducks.]

Kevin: Give up?

Scott: What choice do I have?

[Kevin takes out cuffs. He holds one side, Scott holds the other. Meanwhile Dave is back watching tv.]

Kevin: None. You have the right to blah blah blah. Sorry about all the noise, sir.

[They begin to leave.]

Dave: Oh that's all right.

[Kevin flicks Scott's hair with a finger.]

Scott: Hey, police brutality.

Kevin and Dave: Shut up.

Kevin discusses the Pit

Dean and Lex: Prison

Cast:
Kevin- Dean
Dave- Lex
Mark- warden
Man 1- Thug
Man 2- Prisoner
Man 3- Guard

Scene: a prison exercise yard. One prisoner is thrown up against a fence by another, who punches him in the face]

Man 1: Now maybe you'll understand that when you owe me money, I expect you pay it back on time. [He punches the guy in the stomach and turns to the yard] What about you, punk? [Shot reveals who he's addressing, from behind. He is holding a broom and absently going through the motions of sweeping] You got that money you owe me?

Kevin: Slipped my mind.

Man 1: You have any idea what I do to people who don't pay me what they owe me?

Kevin: I'm just sick about this. I'll tell you what: tomorrow I'll have your money plus an autographed picture of Gavin McLeod.

Man 1: You promise?

Kevin: Will do.

[Scene: a prisoner is strapped into an electric chair. The warden looks anxiously at a clock on the wall which reads 11:59]

Man 2: No word from the governor, huh warden?

Mark: I'm sorry Pete. The governor hasn't phoned yet. [He walks over to the phone, which Dean is using. He really wants to tell Dean that this is an emergency, but seems too polite to ask]

Kevin: Just a mo'. I'm on hold. Phantom tickets. [At that moment, sparks fly and an anguished scream is heard. The warden walks away in resignation as Dean sticks a finger in his free ear to drown out the noise]

[Scene: Lex is being searched for metal objects in a prison hallway. The metal detector screeches when passed over his shoe]

Dave: It's just bus fare. [The guard holds out his hand. Lex empties a ridiculous amount of change out of his shoe. The guard lets him by]

[Scene: Lex and Dean talk to each other through glass in a standard prison visiting room]

Dave: Wow. Prison.

Kevin: Lex, you gotta get me out of here. I'm at my wits end. [A guard hands him a cup of tea, with saucer] Thanks, Roger.

Dave: I could never survive in prison. I'd just never be able to take it. I'd just - I'd go berserk.

Kevin: Good. Then you'll do me this favour.

Dave: I don't know. What is it?

Kevin: I want you to bake me a cake with a saw in it.

Dave: Sure, I could do that. I mean, I've done that before. It was an accident, but I'm sure I can figure out what it was I did wrong and do it again. But I wouldn't want to get into any trouble. Because I could never survive in prison. I could never - I can't pee in front of other guys.

Kevin: Trust me. I would never let anything happen to you.

[Scene: the prison hallway from the view of a security camera. Lex comes down the hallway with a box. He stops by the guard and automatically empties the change out of his shoe. He tries to slip past the guard, but the guard stops him with the metal detector. It screeches over the box. Lex is almost hysterical with fear.]

Dave: It's just a cake. It's just a birthday cake! It's Dean's birthday for chrissakes!

Man 3: Is it? We'll have to talk to the warden about that. [Hauls Lex, who is whimpering and struggling to get away, down the hall]

[Scene: The warden's office. Dean is sitting at a desk, with the cake in front of him. Lex stands at his side. The warden and several guards are there.]

Mark: [singing] . . . for everything is beautiful when it is your birthday. [Everyone pats Dean on the back and congratulates him. Dean tries to blow out the candle on the cake, but it remains lit. He gives Lex a look.] Well, cut the cake.

[Dean makes the first slice. Shot dissolves to the same cake, but later on. All that is left of it is a very obvious outline of a handsaw.]

Mark: I didn't get any cake.

Dave: [grabbing Dean's knife] Aren't you a bit chubby for cake?

Mark: One slice is allowed.

Dave: [cracking up] Look, I said no, okay fatso?

Mark: Gimmee that! [Grabs the knife, cuts the cake, and hits the saw]

Kevin: It was Lex Hare who put the saw in the cake.

[Scene: a prison cell. Lex is locked up with Dean]

Dave: Geez man, you said you wouldn't let anything happen to me.

Kevin: Oh did I? It must have slipped my mind.

Dave: At least we're in here together.

Kevin: No, not really. I'm being released this afternoon.

Dave: [having a conniption] Well why'd you ask me to bust you out then, man?!

Kevin: I had a morning appointment. But don't worry, I'll just be a little late.

Dave: No! No, you're the most selfish, self-centred . . . selfish, self- . . . s-

Kevin: [already in the hallway, with suitcase] Ta.

Dave: You'll visit, won't you?

Kevin: Will do.



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Pit of Ultimate Darkness: Proof of Evil

Kevin: Good evening and welcome to the Pit of Ultimate Darkness. Hello, I am your host, Sir Simon Milligan. For those of you without a brave heart, get up, go to your television sets and turn the station. Go ahead, exercise your right to be a coward. Now, for those of you with a brave heart and for those of you who have stayed, look into my face and know, to look into my face is to look into the face..of EVIL! Yes, I am a man possessed by many demons. Polite demons that would open the door for a lady carrying too many parcels, but demons nonetheless! Yes, I have walked along the path of evil many times, it's a twisting curving path, that actually leads to a charming block garden, but beyond that evil! And now I would like to bring on one who could be the spawn of Satan himself. Manservant Hecubus. Good evening Hecubus. Are you ready?
Dave: I am ready to serve you master. And Satan!

Kevin: Good. Then let the proof of evil begin. Hecubus, pick a card, pick any card.

Dave: No.

Kevin: Pardon?

Dave: No.

Kevin: Evil! Evil! Impolite and Evil! Hecubus, have you seen the movie Presumed Innocent?

Dave: Yes I have master, and his wife killed her.

Kevin: But Hecubus, I haven't seen the movie yet. Evil! Evil! It is now time for the sleep of ages. Sava Lava Cuti. Hecubus, can you hear me?

Dave: Yes master.

Kevin: If Hecubus is sleeping, how can he hear me? Maybe because he's lying? Dirty, dirty liar! Evil, evil white boy!

Dave: I lied, I lied, I lied!

Kevin: He lied, he lied, he lied, he lied! Remember people, do not fear the evil that surrounds you. Do not avoid the hounds of hell. Do not avoid the beasts of brimstone. Do not avoid the puppies of purgatory. You must always embrace the hellfire, hellfire, hellfire. Thank you! Goodnight! If you haven't already, please call you mom.

[Cut to Mark watching television.]

Mark (as Satan): Terrific, terrific! Great! Great stuff. At last, a show for me. A show that speaks to me. That was great. Oh, Golden Girls.



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