Bruce: Fabio World
accordian player walking around the set, playing accordian]
Bruce: Fabio was on my flight that day. Of course it was a flight to L.A. "Fabio's here, Fabio's here-my god it's Fabio!"...and those were the guys. Everyone, everyone, everyone knew who he was. And I thought to myself, huh! It's a Fabio world.
[picture of Fabio shown next to Bruce]
It's a big strong jawed, blond hair blowin' in the wind, rose for the lady, "are you two sisters?", Fabio world.
"Fabio's on board, he's eating a small package of salted peanuts...I wish he would eat me!"...and those were the guys. It is a Fabio world, but you know what? It's also a Brucio world.
[picture of Bruce is shown, then Bruce stands up and starts dancing]
I am Brucio! I fall asleep with the tv on, I hate reggae music, I am Brucio! I eat spaghetti for breakfast, I call my mom collect, she doesn't care, she knows I'm Brucio! I get drunk and cynical, twice a year I get so drunk I piss the bed! But I don't care because I am Brucio.
As we deplane...which is a fancy word for "get off the plane now," there was Fabio. I couldn't believe he was still on board. I thought that somehow he would have got there ahead of us. He was with a man with a sign that said "Fabio". I went with a man that had the sign that said "Taxi". And as we were picking up our luggage, our eyes locked, and he gave me a look as if to say: "I am Fabio. I stand before you strong, but inside, I am Fabio, merchant of self-loathing. I will be discarded one day, Bruce, in the bin with Rico Suave and...and the good looking guy from CHiPs. Everytime I kiss a quivering girl's hand i ask myself, 'Fabio? Is this your last one?' But you are Brucio and always shall be!'"
[closes showing pictures of Brucio and Fabio]
Dave: Communist Threat
Dave: Let sleeping dogs lie. I say, NO! And you know what sleeping dogs I'm referring to, don't you? No? Well, let me refresh your memory. Russains! That's right, Russians, ruskies, communists, COMM-U-NISTS! Oh now you remember? Well, do you also remember how a few years ago all we ever talked about was how the Russians were gonna take over the world, and how every household would be run by communisis and their filthy communism.
Oh yeah, we feared the Russians back in them days, and for good reason too, but now all I ever hear is, "Poor little Russia, they've got no money!", "Poor little Russia, they've gone broke!" Poor little Russia THIS, and poor little Russia THAT! Don't you get it? Am I the only one who gets it? It's a trick. Communism never dies, communism is a cancer, a cancer sleeping, awaiting the moment to devour our freedom, to devour democracy.
Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this guy's just some right wing paranoid reactionary who had a horrible upbringing and whose father beat him every day with a Bible well maybe that's true but it never did me any harm! All I'm saying is, a few years ago, people used to listen to me. I fit in. Well listen to me now. The Russians, they're gonna try to take over the world again, don't you forget that for one second friend or else go find yourself lining up for toilet paper in some godless world!
There's one more thing I'd like to say. Killer bees! Forgot about them, didn't ya? Well that's just what they want us to do! That's right, the Russian communists, the killer bees, they're like this! (fingers crossed) So when people say to me let sleeping dogs lie, I say to them, friend, sleeping dogs...they eventually wake up...and chew out the throat of democracy! Don't you think I don't know what you're up to, Russia. Don't think that I'm unaware of the fact that Kevin McDonald or should I say, Ivan Chovsky, is one of you! (K [muffled under gag]: He's crazy!) Crazy like a fanatic fox I mean! Down reds! One man one vote! ....
|
 | |
Bruce: 17 Inches
Cast:
Bruce- himself
Dave- himself
Man- Lars, a man about 1.5 times as big as Bruce
Bruce: [walks into camera's view] Hi. Uh, usually I don't like to do this: comment [shows letter] on a letter we've received. For me fan letters are like... my friends' girlfriends. I like to just look at them, smile, and say nothing. But anyway this one sort of caught my eye. So I thought I'd share it with you.
"Dear Bruce, when I saw you on the street the other day, boy you sure were small. [pouts and looks into camera and around] I mean I knew you weren't huge but I never thought you'd be smaller than me. Can you explain? Tara Blanchard, age ten."
Well Tara, [drops letter on floor] first of all I'd like to say that I'm comfortable with my height, you know, average height... well, slightly below average height maybe, C minus height, but still I'm comfortable with it. I mean I guess sometimes on TV people look a little bit bigger but... you know, I'm honest about it. I guess using honesty as a compass I'm gonna do something that you don't see a lot of my counterparts do. I'm actually gonna measure my height right here on TV. Lars are you still around? [looks around for Lars] Lars? [man walks on stage and stops near Bruce] Uh, Lars, Lars would you measure me please? [using measuring tape man measures Bruce] And how tall am I Lars?
Man: [looks at measuring tape and says] Seventeen inches.
Bruce: [speechless and stunned] Well I'm not seventeen inches!
Man: Seventeen inches sir...
Bruce: Thanks.
Man: Straight on. [walks off]
Bruce: I thought I was maybe 5'7'' but this is some sort of bizarre joke. Dave? Dave Foley's my buddy. Dave, are you around here?
Dave: [Dave's head comes in from the right side of the screen and his head is roughly as big as Bruce's entire body] Uh, y-yeah Bruce? What's up?
Bruce: How tall am I Dave?
Dave: Uh, I don't know. Eleven, twelve inches?
Bruce: Seventeen! [jumps up, forms fist and tries to punch Dave]
Dave: [laughing] Hey, okay little pal, hey. Calm down, huh? [more seriously] Oh, oh and uh Bruce, you might wanna be careful. I uh saw a cat in the studio and he uh he looked kinda hungry. [lifts a mug to his mouth, sips what is most likely coffee, and retreats]
Bruce: Hmm... [Walks, picks up a big black mug (which is about as big as half his body) and drinks from it as he walks over to a giant armchair on which he rests his cup, climbs, and sits. Then, in a high-pitched voice he says] I'd like to thank you Tara for bringing reality to light. I guess I've learned that self-image is a weird and wonderful thing. Well, back to the show.
[camera zooms out so you can see a giant cat beside Bruce's armchair]
Cat: Meow. [continues meowing while walking around the chair]
Bruce: Beth, there's a cat in the studio. What's a cat doing in the studio, Beth? This is bunkum. This is bunkum, Beth. [Bruce says one more thing but it is very imperceptible because of audience cheering and background music]
[After the scene is over, a little video appears with Bruce beside the drawing of a monkey with which he compares height using his hand to trace his height from above his head to the monkey's head. He seems disappointed to find that he's only as tall as the monkey.]
|
| |
Bruce: Bikini Inspector
Bruce: I'm a bikini inspector. It's not a joke, I inspect bikinis. It's my job. You know, I see a lot of guys on the beach wearin' "Bikini Inspector" t-shirts. But they're not real bikini inspectors, they just wish they were, for some weird reason. I don't know why anyone would pretend to be a bikini inspector. It's a menial job. You gotta take a bus there every day. There's an hour right there. You work in a dank factory, you gotta inspect four or five thousand units, your eyes start to go buggy and squinty. Shift work too, ya know? And for that you make, well, let's just say the amount of money I make is my own business. Although I do make somewhere around $8.67 an hour. Bikini inspector.
The only job worse than that is the job I had in Collingwood, Ontario. Workin' in the woods. I was on the beaver patrol. Rotten job, mud in your boots, trapsin' through the underbrush lookin' for beaver dams that are cloggin' up the irrigation system. One beaver even bit my thumb. But it's all part for the course on the beaver patrol. You know, I'd go out after work, beaver bites all over my thumbs, go to a bar for a quick drink, and I'd see guys there wearin' t-shirts that said my job on them. But not like other rotten jobs, like "Fry cook" or "Night security guard at an out of the way mall." So, I'd be sittin' there, tryin' to find pride in my work, wearin' my beaver patrol t-shirt, and the women stare at ya. Well, I'm sorry ma'am, if I'm not a doctor,but thems the breaks. One woman even bit my thumb.
But I'm gettin' out of here. Tryin' to get on as a "Muff Diver." Read it on a t-shirt. I don't know what it is, but, that job can't be much worse than what I'm doin' now, eh? Eh? Yeah....
Dave: Mass Murderer Monologue
Scene: A kitchen; Dave is wearing a robe. He pours a cup of coffee.
Dave: The difficult thing about being a mass murderer isn't the, uh, murdering part. It's the mass past.
[Dave crosses to table with coffee and plate and eventually sits]
It's the pace you've got to keep up. The sheer volume of murdering. 'Cause the funny thing about killing...After the first time you've killed, the second time it's easy. The third time you start to get cocky so you gotta be careful. You know, you can't stay humble or you make dumb mistakes. And oh, by around the seventh time you're likely to feel you're in a bit of a rut...want to get artistic with it...you know, start cutting off the middle toe of each victim so you'll be known as the, uh, "Middle Toe Murderer." [He indicates quotation marks with his hands] By that point, uh, I don't know, I think that's showboating, you know? You gotta ask yourself, "Who am I doing this for? Am I doing it for myself or for the press?" And around about the 20th murder, well you're likely to be sick of the whole thing, you know? I, uh, sometimes I don't even want to look at another corpse. I feel...I feel like if I even see a chainsaw, I'll scream.
It's like what happened the other day. I - I had just finished ending a human life in a senseless act of violence, when I run into this old friend of mine from high school, and he says, "Hey, whatcha been doin?" And I think to myself, "What have I been doing? What am I doing with my life? Where is this leading? Am I going to be doing this at 50?"
Sometimes I really think I should go back to college...
[Dave opens a copy of The Mirror - headline: Killer Strikes Again]
|
|
|
|
|
