1) Don't offer a hacksaw to an ax murderer.
2) It IS Citizen Kane.
3) You shouldn't use your tongue to stop a fan.
4) Refusing to pick a card, any card, is evil.
5) Apparently, there is this thing in the sewer, and nothing can stop it, and the only thing that can even slow it down is really expensive perfume. Why? Because it has a metal head!!
6) A tragic painting is one with a unicorn stuck on an aircraft carrier.
7) Cops aren't perfect; even they can lock their keys in the car.
8) Beware of anything called Por-eef; it could be catfood.
9) We need to get an exorcist in here, and this time I'm serious.
10) You don't go dancing in the day.
11) Never answer a personal ad featuring the words "Chicken Lady".
12) Telling someone the ending to a movie is evil.
13) You can't commit suicide by swallowing a shoelace.
14) That old, "Hey Roger, what's that on your tie?" trick, is NOT that funny.
15) Even the Headcruchers fingers can be broken.
16) Who names their god, Spot??
17) Hey, screw you taxpayer!!
18) No matter how dark your pit is, there can always be someone with a darker one.
19) They call it "Crazy Glue" because the guy who invented it, didn't patent it, and the grief drove him insane.
20) You don't go golfing in the night.
21) There is not much call for a gunfighter nowadays.
22) A demon in the closet is the ideal decorating item for any home.
23) It is possible to be master of funk AND evil.
24) Look out Switzerland!! It's time to hate the Swiss!!
25) You are NOT a nutty bunny, you are just a college guy.
26) Blame all your problems on your bad childhood and your cabbagehead.
27) Scott isn't really a waiter.
28) Being described as the Armada of something is NOT a compliment.
29) You can't cook an egg unless you've got yourself a frying pan.
30) Mosquitos only live for one day, so if they skip breakfast, I guess they had a bad childhood.
31) No one understands you.
32) For future reference, anything you find under the fridge is NOT food.
33) Terriers average twenty pounds.
34) You can be arrested for the murder of a mouse, even if it IS just a mouse.
35) The man in the towel is a prophet.
36) Peer pressure doesn't always work when questioning a murder suspect.
37) Lying about being asleep is evil.
38) Your bleeding ear is probably not just a cold symptom.
39) You shouldn't rob a bank without a plan.
40) Satan has nothing better to do than to play guitar with Bobby Terrance, help Evan sell stereos and shoes, and to watch "Golden Girls".
41) Nie les Feelyat!!
42) Tarantulas have a strong sense of revenge.
43) Changing a swastika shaped scar to a happy man dancing will NOT make it better.
44) Blocking someone's car in the driveway is evil.
45) There are these guys who smoke, and they taught a dog to smoke; would you believe that??
46) Whatever you do, DON'T go to a Leafs game with a guy in a cape.
47) You shouldn't wanna do it if you don't wanna not do it right.
48) Your wife probably won't believe the old, "Those earrings are mine." story.
49) Playing a game of screaming numbers at the office is NEVER a good idea, no matter how drunk you are.
50) Line ups are never a problem, when you've got the flying pig!!
51. You *can* get blood from a stone. You just have to throw it hard enough.
52. When you rent a video, you enter into a sacred trust.
53. Licking a lobster for luck always works!
54. If you lose a finger on your handshaking hand, you can never meet anyone new.
55. Weiners contain cow's eyes and dog's heads and old phone books, and of course...weiner flavor!
56. A little ascertination goes a long way.
57. Nothings better than clean sheets, shooting a man in self defense, and a rock-solid alibi.
58. Junk mail can save lives.
59. One day shirling WILL be performed in the Olympics!
60. I can't stop thinking about Tony, wondering where he could be, who he's with, what he's thinking, is he thinking of me, and if he'll ever return again.
61. If you were stranded on a desert island and could only take 1 book, record, and person with you, you'd probably die of exposure.
62. If you want your parents to love you, you should buy a video, a book, and become more curious about things in boxes.
63. If you let your moderate amount of power that comes with being second assistant manager of the ninth floor go to your head, they'll eat you alive!
64. Beware the Russian Communists...and the Killer Bees!
65. Licking stamps, public transportation, old furniture on the street, and guys named Mel make me wanna puke!
66. Beware of Skora, the gentle shark.
67. If Elvis were my landlord, I could go over and borrow a cup of sideburns.
68. You're all hampsters. On a treadmill. Running. Using oxygen. Giving back nothing!
69. It may be a Fabio world, but it's a Brucio world too!
70. Deplane is just a fancy word for "get off the plane."
71. Too much hoopla, and your salt might be confiscated.
72. In France everyone speaks French because they think it's cool. And it gives them an excuse to smoke.
73. The whole "I was drinking too much dew with the goblins in the wizard's tavern while it was raining gumdrops" story might just work.
74. Lots of folks have boulum heads.
75. If you worry that you lack sex appeal, it's time to unlock the secret of nudity.
76. Scott isn't gay anymore. He sure is sorry.
77. If you dress your best to get the paper, someone will call you a fag.
78. If you're only 17 inches tall, you're going to have problems with chairs, drinking coffee and cats.
79. Jesus WAS a carpenter...just not a good one.
80. Never laugh at a test-tube baby.
81. They love Kevin in France.
82. The first thing needed to have a successful comedy sketch is a premise.
83. Do you know what happened to Raymond Snepts when he went on a vacation to the Sovient Union and was supposed to come back? He didn't.
84. Greatest Hits Albums are for houseswives and little girls.
85. If a man comes into your convience store and pays for a $3 rose with a $20 bill, give him the finger. He's got the change.
86. Sleeping dogs eventually wake up and tear open the throat of democracy.
87. If your parents get a divorce and you have to choose between your mom and dad, choose a fabulous movie star instead.
88. Swallowing a goldfish is the best way to get your mom's attention when she's on the phone.
89. If you have heavy feet, don't run a marathon.
90. Eat enough macaroni and cheese and ketchup and you'll get a lifetime supply...and tapeworms.
91. If you see someone stealing a bike tire, make sure you tell him that it could be Bruce McCulloch's wheel.
92. No one gets on a plane expecting to eat anyone.
93. Never take your date to see a dead body.
94. Don't crush the heads of construction guys.
95. Making someone's productivity go down is evil.
96. The Queen of England doesn't know her ABC's.
97. The only thing sadder than the sandwich people are the poo people.
98. Baking a cake with a saw in it IS illegal.
99. If you go to a restaurant and someone steals your hair, never eat there again.
100. Never put salt in your eyes.
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